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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

NOTES FROM MY LATEST PRESS CONFERENCE

1.
Please be aware that I am the hero, despite me saying otherwise. The others I mentioned—volunteers, brave members of the public, those bold boys in blue—only became involved directly after, or, indeed because of, my actions.

2.
Yes, certainly, as I said, I was "just doing my job", up to and including the moments of what will I have no doubt be described by the media as "the bravest, most noble act one human can perform", but, really, my job description does not include the unbelievable act of courage and sacrifice I performed.

3.
I was very disappointed to hear my heroic deed described in one question as "in some way reflex". No one knew what was going through my head but me. To think—and what's more to have the callous insensitivity to infer in a question—that I in some way had no control over my actions is not only offensive to me, but to all those people who would not be here today if not for my actions.

4.
When the briefing sheet I had prepared was handed around to the attending press, I noticed many people simply ignoring it: shoving it into a folder without reading it, placing it under their chairs—and—in one horrifying instance, tearing it up. In this age of instant media, what self-respecting journalist would not want the opportunity to "scoop" his or her rivals by posting the heartfelt and tremendously accurate report I had ignored a real medical doctor to prepare. My writing evoked the true horror of the situation I was in, and the true wonder of the way I handled myself in a situation where many would have fallen apart. I fear that no media outlet may truly let the public know that I did indeed accomplish "the bravest, most noble act one human can perform" (page 8).

5.
My chair could have been a lot more comfy.

8 comments:

Furious Vaginas said...

You spend far too much time on wallpaper! It's a wonder you can russle up good writing at all.

Christopher Currie said...

I can russle with the best of them.

LiteraryMinded said...

I like the honesty/arrogance of this voice.

Best Press Conference (well, presentation in front of an audience story): http://records.viu.ca/~johnstoi/kafka/reportforacademy.htm

By the way, what the heck is wallpaper, am I missing out on something here? No!

LM

Christopher Currie said...

You and your Kafka! Wallpaper is what Krissy calls stories with no perceived literary value.

Furious Vaginas said...

NO! Wallpaper is the pretty pictures of horses that you fiddle with all the time on the top banner. This story has heaps of literary merit. The limericks however...

LiteraryMinded said...

Yes I'm syudying Kafka at the moment so don't mind if I seem obsessive.

I have to agree about the limericks, sorry :-)

LM

Christopher Currie said...

If Kafka rhymed with more words, I would respond with a limerick here.

LiteraryMinded said...

Bafta?