Friday, September 19, 2008


Alright. So it's not so bad. Just yet. Yep, sure, only a few seconds on the clock, but what is time, really? Just a human attempt to tame the wild plains of existence. So let's not focus on that right now. And look, I did like what I saw just before you all fell over. There was some real energy there. Let's harness that. Did I say you could look at the scoreboard? Put that out of your mind. What are numbers, really? They're a concept—like string theory or all-you-can-eat Mondays. You can choose to believe them, or you can choose to live your life according to your own rules. Of course there's still ways to win! Sometimes I wonder whether my bi-weekly lectures really get through to you.

Okay, so you see this sponsor's pen in my hand? It's a lump of coal. And sure, coal's okay. Dinosaur bones'll get your car down to TGI Friday's, but watch what happens when I add a little pressure! Oh. Okay. A little blood. Yeah, I might need a bandage there. Have you got any of that spray? That magic spray? Ow. Thanks.

So anyway, when I add pressure to a piece of coal, what happens? Um, okay, "microsurgery" is a clever answer, but who here remembers my oration on powders and liquids? Noble gases as a motivation technique? Uses of Zeno's Paradox when you're two down with three to go? Come on, people...

Okay. It's a diamond. Add pressure to something and you get a diamond. It's a metaphor. Jesus—it's not a meta for anything! I'm drawing a comparison so you'll see how pressure can bring out the best in a sporting contest. Honestly, sometimes I feel like a canary waiting for the gas. No, I won't bother explaining that one.

Okay. Just get out there and lose the game so we can all hit the showers where I'll show you how the Greeks dealt with the angst of defeat.