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Saturday, March 8, 2008

REASONS I WRITE IN CAPITAL LETTERS

Reasons why I write in capital letters include it GETS ATTENTION and it COMMANDS RESPECT. Put the way I write next to the way an ordinary person writes, and the difference will become PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. Painful in that you might have given the job of advertising your new brand of fruit drink to the other person, whereupon there will be a little TIGHTNESS IN YOUR CHEST after you have seen my writing and realised what you have CLEARLY MISSED OUT ON.

You will, inevitably, begin to BARGAIN with me. Despite the no doubt exorbitant amount of time, money and effort you have put into employing the other person to advertise your fruit drink, you clearly MUST HAVE ME INSTEAD. When you hear my price for advertising your fruit drink you will BE TAKEN ABACK. This is a CERTAINTY. For far from the excessive fee you would expect from my LEVEL OF BRILLIANCE, you will find the price I’m asking to be EMINENTLY REASONABLE.

Upon conferring with me, you will also find my business manner to be both EFFICIENT AND EFFECTIVE. The timeline I will propose to you by which I will successfully advertise your fruit drink will be WELL-BELOW INDUSTRY STANDARD. This should not be a worry, however, as you will reason by my PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE and PROVEN TRACK-RECORD that I am a person who operates OUTSIDE NORMAL PARAMETERS.

Once our deal has been agreed upon (A HANDSHAKE IS FINE FOR ME) I shall begin your PERSONALLY DESIGNED PROJECT. Please note at this time that I do require UP FRONT PAYMENT. This is, of course, to ensure little to no unnecessary DISTRACTING FINANCIAL NEGOTIATIONS to my creative process. Please also note that I will be undertake NO COMMUNICATION during the creative process.

I accept payment in CASH ONLY, due to CERTAIN FINANCIAL RESTRAINTS placed on me by a FRIVOLOUS COURT ORDER arising from a PREVIOUS AND TOTALLY UNRELATED creative venture. Far from being alarmed about this SLIGHTLY UNORTHODOX SITUATION, you should be heartened by my GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BUSINESS SENSE, wherein I place PERSONAL PROMISES above STUFFY, LEGALLY BINDING DOCUMENTS.

If you really want to know (AND I DON’T TELL THIS TO ALL MY CLIENTS), I have a SURPRISINGLY GOOD FEELING about some ideas I HAVE ALREADY HAD about your PARTICULAR PORDUCT. As TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE, I think it would be ONLY WISE to ask for some START-UP CAPITAL (if you’ll excuse the pun) STRAIGHT AWAY, so as to STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT, AS THEY SAY, and CAPITALISE (THERE I GO AGAIN) on this HOT CREATIVE SPARK just WAITING TO BE LIT. In fact, IS THAT YOUR WALLET RIGHT THERE IN YOUR JACKET?

DON’T GET UP, I CAN GET IT. This is JUST ONE OF THE TIME-SAVING PROCESSES I have DEVELOPED OVER A PERIOD OF YEARS DEALING with JUST THESE TYPES OF PROJECTS. I SAID DON’T GET UP.

I DO ALSO INSIST THAT THIRD PARTIES DO NOT get INVOLVED in our TRANSACTION. Let me just REMOVE THAT PHONE CORD FROM THE WALL. THERE, isn’t THAT BETTER? THE POLICE especially do not agree WITH MY CREATIVE PROCESSES.

THIS? THIS IS JUST A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE AGAINST certain TROUBLES I OFTEN COME UP AGAINST. YES, IT IS LOADED. YOUR HANDS ARE FINE RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE. IS THAT YOUR WIFE IN THAT PICTURE?

ACTUALLY, DON’T TALK. IT’S DISTRACTING. DIDN’T I TELL YOU THIS GETS ATTENTION?

2 comments:

Scott said...

Chris, I feel violated. I feel chilled. The same way I imagine that old cashier in the general store did when forced to flip a coin to decide whether he'd live or die, in No Country For Old Men. And yet, strangely, I want to read it again.

Renee B said...

Ouch.

Nice.